"I don't know Who — or what — put the question.
I don't know when it was put.
I don't even remember answering.
But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone — or Something — and from that hour I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefore, my life had a purpose"
` Dag Hammarskjöld
What do I do when I feel stuck? How do I find my way to what I really want? If I work hard enough can I get what I want? I hear those questions a lot from truly sincere people, almost all of them healthy and intelligent. And working hard is a good thing, but sometimes it's counterproductive because true knowing is often passive. Granted, it may ultimately inspire assertive action, but in its organic state, it is receptive. Stuck or not, sometimes we can’t manipulate or manufacture the next step. Joseph Campbell said that if a path already exists, it probably belongs to someone else. And in my experience, often the map for our own life comes unbidden, when we’re at ease, when we’ve dropped evaluative measures and expectations, when we’ve surrendered calculation and cleverness, when we’ve worn out the muscles of resistance. I know, I know-- who wants to hear THAT!
This is a struggle for those of us in the Western part of the world, because we are programmed for action. But if I take a risk, and I sit here in this quiet space, almost empty, something will emerge. And I will follow it.
Creative types call this period incubation. This is when you’re not quite sure what is washing around between your conscious and subconscious and you have no idea what – if anything – will come out of it. But, something is happening there, just below the surface. Whether you can see it or define it or control it or manage it, something is happening there. With a little faith, you can trust it will work itself out into the reality of your life. This is important whether it’s a business decision, or a life change, or the wish of a dream come true. It must have time to grow.
Farmers
have a term for this too. Fallow. The fields are plowed but not planted
for a season so that the soil can rejuvenate. Gestalt Therapists call
this time The Fertile Void. It’s also called the Zero Point Field or the
Plane. It feels empty if you don’t know that in this quietness, just
along the edges of consciousness, is the most expansive field
imaginable. This is where the "magic" happens, where the energy of
creation lives.
Yes, it can be frustrating and scary to be in this void, feeling blank. But don’t force it. You’ve just got to be with it. Sit with it. Unexpected things always emerge after this fallow period and with them comes a flurry of activity with adrenaline and passion, and the creative process begins.
So what do you do when you feel stale or stuck and can’t get the creative juices flowing or just can’t seem to make any decisions one way or the other? My best suggestion is this: Gently set you intent that you want things to change. And then, do the things that give you joy. We only have moments, microscopic, fleeting moments, so live now. Find beauty. Get outside and breathe. Exercise. Be ridiculously generous. Enjoy the setting sun, and the rising moon. Ask yourself "What do I really want" and just go with it for a bit. Those things change your energy field and you begin to attract better things.
Right about now I'm guessing that you are holding your breath. BREATHE. Resistance won’t get you anywhere, so leave your struggles to incubate in the fertile void, and start living your life. I think you will be surprised to find that some really fantastic things happen when you settle down a bit and breathe. Something beautiful and productive will emerge. And you will follow.
The more refined our conscious personality, the more shadow we have built up on the other side. The ego and the shadow come from the same source and exactly balance each other. Without a working awareness of both ego and shadow we feel unbalanced--as if something is missing. A faint awareness that we're not completely whole. Remember Peter Pan? His shadow was on the loose. He needed help sewing it back on. We're just not complete without the balance of our shadow self.
Shadow has a bad rep--but it's not a bad thing. It's actually a gift. Shadow is everything that didn't find a place for one reason or another, and it got stuffed in the basement of our personality. The problem is that it won't stay in the basement forever, and will at some time (and probably not a convenient time) come knocking at the door. If you open the door and befriend what was formerly unacceptable about yourself, a lot of creativity and relief bubbles to the surface. Carl Jung called the shadow "pure gold".
So how do you know if you have shadow knocking at the door? Not complicated at all. If you have something that you can't manage, no matter how hard you have tried to kick it--it's probably shadow. If you are often frustrated or angry with someone else-- it's probably shadow. We often project our shadow onto others and get angry with it. The old AA saying, "if you spot it, you got it" is humorously accurate. Shadow is running the program unless you take some time to sit down, process it, and find out why it's there. We have to use it, not let it use us. If you think you might be having a struggle with this, talk to someone. Shadow will behave autonomously (operating independently) until you make it conscious by talking it through.
To own one's shadow is to reach a holy place--an inner center--not attainable in any other way. To fail this is to miss one's own sainthood--and the chance to find at your center pure gold.
Why therapy? I'm so glad you asked! Many of us are raised to think that we should be able to handle everything on our own, and that considering an outside opinion is a sign of physical or emotional weakness. And, more often than not, there's the stigma that if you talk to a therapist you must be "crazy" in some way. Right? Yet, I find in my work that the opposite is generally true. It takes a lot of courage and intelligence to recognize our limits and to call a professional for a discussion.
I think human beings are mostly strong and resilient, even if it doesn't always feel that way. But life puts a lot of demands on us, and for those of us living in large urban areas, it's hard to filter out all of the background noise sometimes. We are so accustomed to it that we don't really realize how stressful it is.
Tempers get short, the traffic gets worse, the lines are long, and that exacerbates the many frustrating attempts to solve problems at home, and work, and mostly just inside our own skin. Most of us want relief from discomfort whether it's physical or emotional. We want to be understood, and we wish that our relationships would work effectively.
Generally, people call me for therapy after an upsetting event or personal crisis. An important relationship is in trouble, a divorce or death occurs, a child enters the teen years. A long-standing problem with drug or alcohol addiction may become too much to bear. Self-defeating behavior patterns may stand in the way. Old pain and trauma may resurface. A spouse or other family member may seem "out of control" and a concerned family member may ask for guidance.
At other times, our biology seems to have turned on us, as hormonal, situational or other combinations of biological and situational events bring on feelings of depression or persistent anxious and fearful feelings. I do a lot of work with these type of life events.
If you have ever wished that you had better tools, or just had someone who would listen, therapy can help. For many it can help relationships work better, teach ways to handle overwhelming feelings, bring relief from addictive behaviors, increase self-esteem, relieve the wounds of old hurts and traumas, and improve coping skills. I find that most people experience a big sense of relief as soon as they reach out and take the first step to talk about it.
If this is you, finding the right therapist is important, so make sure you feel comfortable with the person you choose to be your therapist. Spend a little time looking over their website, consider if their basic life philosophy is a general match for your own, and then reach out to see if there is a chemistry that you can work with. You will usually "know" just by the way you feel after the first contact. Trust your instincts.
There is no substitute for a therapeutic relationship that honors the values and goals of each individual client. So if you are ready to talk, contact me through my website and we can discuss your needs. And if you know someone who needs help, please share this post.
If you would like more information on urban stress, follow this link.